What I want

What I want? Right now?

To spend an entire day snuggling in a huge, plush bed with Bailee, giggling, telling jokes, watching our favorite movies, stroking her delicate hair until she falls to sleep, breathing her in deeply, staring at her in wonder and amazement of how beautiful and perfect she is, thanking God for my little blessing and just bond with her and hold her the entire day – just us, all day, one-on-one in total comfort and luxury – the way she makes my life feel every day. I know that if I got this chance, I’d never want to leave that spot for the rest of my life.

To spend an entire day snuggling in bed with my mom, giggling and telling jokes, talking and telling stories about the rollercoaster past we have had and the hilarious and fun journeys we’ve taken as a family, indulging in delivery food and sweet snacks, watching tear-jerker lifetime movies and dramas about asshole men and the women that love them, and just spend quality time, one-on-one, just us, all day in total comfort and luxury – because we both deserve it.

To take a ride with my dad, no where important, just a ride and feel the comfort and security his passive and cautious driving gives me, listening to oldies with the windows down, take in the distinct smell of the mixture of his cologne and cigarettes in his sun-warmed car, have the meaningless and somewhat awkward short sentenced conversations that we are notorious for and feel like a daddies girl again, when his kids were all that mattered to him and he was our protector and provider.

Take a day to tell Jeremy how much I love him and spend a day encouraging him, lifting him up and building him up, reminding him of his amazing qualities and remind him that I am his number one fan, that I have faith in him in all that he does and am proud of all that he has done, and his goals and aspirations for the future. He can’t talk though, he has to just listen. I just want to spend a day and just have him listen - to pure praise and admiration for the person he is because he does deserve that. Then spend the rest of the day just reminiscing on the life we have had, the accomplishment that is our daughter, listening to music that means something to both of us and just enjoying each others company, like we used to.

Have a cook-out with my brothers Billy and Jay and my step-dad Yasser, grill up our favorite foods, on a late summer afternoon and just hang out and talk, joke with each other and forget any of the issues that keep us at a distance, forget anyone’s skeletons and demons and just be together and enjoy each other. Share stories of late nights together, crazy motel and truck stop adventures, laugh at Johnathon and his cute little language he had as a child, and about the goofy games Billy and I would play growing up – and come together and be thankful to each other that it was because of our bonds, our closeness and our love that we made it through some of the hardest years of our lives growing up, and take the time to maybe put our futures into perspective and realize we can pull each other through the rest of our lives if we keep the bond we created so long ago.

Go to a music festival on some beautiful, grassy, open grounds with rolling hills with my sister Maryam and just spend the day together enjoying music and the vibes. Talk about anything and everything that comes to mind – and set the mood to music. I just want an entire day to talk – actually, to listen to her. Just listen to everything she has to say, in such an open and creative environment, witness the creativity, the light and the love she has in her and just let her pour it all out. I want to dream up ideas with her, encourage her own dreams and ideas, laugh about the silly ones and bring clarity, light and hopefulness to corners of her life that are dark. Just spend the day finally and absolutely getting to know her, and every last thing about her.

Spend the day with my baby nephew Dakota and just play. Do creative crafts, get on the floor and rough and tumble with him, listen to him and everything he wants to tell me, get inside his little head and see what he thinks, what he imagines and what he likes and loves and just dote on him and adore him and spoil him and love him. Just love him. I just love him.

That’s just what I want, right now, right this minute. So much.