What I want

What I want? Right now?

To spend an entire day snuggling in a huge, plush bed with Bailee, giggling, telling jokes, watching our favorite movies, stroking her delicate hair until she falls to sleep, breathing her in deeply, staring at her in wonder and amazement of how beautiful and perfect she is, thanking God for my little blessing and just bond with her and hold her the entire day – just us, all day, one-on-one in total comfort and luxury – the way she makes my life feel every day. I know that if I got this chance, I’d never want to leave that spot for the rest of my life.

To spend an entire day snuggling in bed with my mom, giggling and telling jokes, talking and telling stories about the rollercoaster past we have had and the hilarious and fun journeys we’ve taken as a family, indulging in delivery food and sweet snacks, watching tear-jerker lifetime movies and dramas about asshole men and the women that love them, and just spend quality time, one-on-one, just us, all day in total comfort and luxury – because we both deserve it.

To take a ride with my dad, no where important, just a ride and feel the comfort and security his passive and cautious driving gives me, listening to oldies with the windows down, take in the distinct smell of the mixture of his cologne and cigarettes in his sun-warmed car, have the meaningless and somewhat awkward short sentenced conversations that we are notorious for and feel like a daddies girl again, when his kids were all that mattered to him and he was our protector and provider.

Take a day to tell Jeremy how much I love him and spend a day encouraging him, lifting him up and building him up, reminding him of his amazing qualities and remind him that I am his number one fan, that I have faith in him in all that he does and am proud of all that he has done, and his goals and aspirations for the future. He can’t talk though, he has to just listen. I just want to spend a day and just have him listen - to pure praise and admiration for the person he is because he does deserve that. Then spend the rest of the day just reminiscing on the life we have had, the accomplishment that is our daughter, listening to music that means something to both of us and just enjoying each others company, like we used to.

Have a cook-out with my brothers Billy and Jay and my step-dad Yasser, grill up our favorite foods, on a late summer afternoon and just hang out and talk, joke with each other and forget any of the issues that keep us at a distance, forget anyone’s skeletons and demons and just be together and enjoy each other. Share stories of late nights together, crazy motel and truck stop adventures, laugh at Johnathon and his cute little language he had as a child, and about the goofy games Billy and I would play growing up – and come together and be thankful to each other that it was because of our bonds, our closeness and our love that we made it through some of the hardest years of our lives growing up, and take the time to maybe put our futures into perspective and realize we can pull each other through the rest of our lives if we keep the bond we created so long ago.

Go to a music festival on some beautiful, grassy, open grounds with rolling hills with my sister Maryam and just spend the day together enjoying music and the vibes. Talk about anything and everything that comes to mind – and set the mood to music. I just want an entire day to talk – actually, to listen to her. Just listen to everything she has to say, in such an open and creative environment, witness the creativity, the light and the love she has in her and just let her pour it all out. I want to dream up ideas with her, encourage her own dreams and ideas, laugh about the silly ones and bring clarity, light and hopefulness to corners of her life that are dark. Just spend the day finally and absolutely getting to know her, and every last thing about her.

Spend the day with my baby nephew Dakota and just play. Do creative crafts, get on the floor and rough and tumble with him, listen to him and everything he wants to tell me, get inside his little head and see what he thinks, what he imagines and what he likes and loves and just dote on him and adore him and spoil him and love him. Just love him. I just love him.

That’s just what I want, right now, right this minute. So much.

Come One, Come All!

I'm excited.....

I am beginning to plan the ULTIMATE birthday party...

Bailee's 5th Circus Themed Birthday Party!

My little monkey is turning 5. I can not even begin to wrap my head around that statement.

This will be a big year for her - 5 year birthday, starting school this fall, leaving her beloved daycare and her little "family" there in Adamstown, beginning a legit schedule each night to include taking SHOWERS on her own (Lord help me with that, the child HATES water in her face) no more mommy waking her up right before I step out the door in the morning, and dressing her as she is still sleeping... she just doesn't know whats coming to her.

So, I figure I'd go all out and REALLY celebrate this year and make it a memorable and enjoyable one for her.

The past 4 years I have really gone all out anyways when it came to her parties, with the exception of last year's Hannah Montana Party -I just couldn't bring myself to contribute anymore of my paychecks to her endless bank account, as I have already invested in a lifetimes worth of her inventory.

Bailee's 1st birthday I did a Sponge Bob Theme party - completely decorated my house like an underwater Bikini Bottom, complete with a rock shaped cake like Patricks house, green Twinkies with black licorice antennas just like the little guy Plankton. I had a ton of fun with that party. However, Bailee of course can not remember it, and I didn't have a camera.... so it's just a faint memory.

2nd birthday, well, now that I think about it - wasn't much of a theme there - except for maybe the adult after party and the endless Margaritas... now THAT is how I like to celebrate.... anyways....

3rd birthday was by far my favorite party.... Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

My wonderful momma made a candy tree with all kinds of unique candies. I melted jolly ranchers onto poster-board and hung them on the walls to mimic the lickable walls in the movie (germ fest, I know lol) and God bless the dollar store for selling candy beach balls, tons of those all around the house and hanging from the ceiling.

We had a Golden Egg hunt (the winner who found the golden egg amongst the other Easter eggs won the candy tree - which I now regret lol) and they even had bubbles in cola bottle shaped containers, just like the magic bubble burping soda from the movie.

I made our own little candy world and made flowers (made out of green pipe cleaners and yellow paper cups stuck into green potters Styrofoam) and filled them with candy and put them throughout the party area, the kids made their own candy necklaces..... it was by far the most fun I have had decorating.

And this year, well, I am sick of organized games and activities because I'll admit - get me in a room full of kids and their parents, I have a hard time staying organized and in compliance with my agenda for the party..... I can plan, and I can decorate - can I follow through with my own agenda and schedule - hell no.

So, a circus party, under an actual Big Top Tent, with little game booths, a petting zoo, face painting, sno-cones, hot dogs, pizza and chips, a ticket booth and a giant popcorn box (photo op), I am thrilled to sit back and let them loose.

I've decided we'll have the following types of games at the ticket booths:

- Duck Pond (though, I don't quite know how to pull that off, with magnets???)

- Knock the Cans - throw the balls and knock the empty cans over (anyone have a pampered

chef can opener I can borrow for the smooth edges??)

- Pop the Balloon - throw darts at the balloons and pop them (might be a bit dangerous??)

-Pie in the Face - only because I am hoping my husband will volunteer and I'll be able to play

- Bean Bag Toss - through a board with holes in it

- Soda Bowling - bowling down water filled 2 liter soda bottles

Any ideas for other age appropriate, home-made carnival games?

Any ideas or suggestions on throwing a backyard Carnival at all? All suggestions are greatly appreciated!

And, if you have a kiddo - you are totally invited! Saturday July 18th at 2:00pm. I'll be sending formal invites, but if you think you'd be interested, let me know and I'll put you on the list ;)

If you don't call me.... this is probably why....

I am lauging just thinking about posting this.

The following is a detailed script of a conversation I had with a friend of mine....

My friend called to find out how long I could watch the kid tonight so they could go to a bar.
Then we talked about bars in west VA.
Then we talked about strippers.
Then we talked about stripper midgets (we ALWAYS talk about midgets).
Then we talked about goats.
Then we talked about the circus.
Then we talked about getting a stripper midget for a circus.
Then we talked about getting a midget pony for the stripper circus midget.
Then we talked about building a buggy for the midget pony and the stripper circus midget so we could dress her up like an amish stripper circus midget.
Then we talked about all the ways the circus midget could be useful around the house – such as using her as a pillow, squeeze her into small corners to help clean around the house, keep the fire going, curl up around your feet in bed to keep them warm…..
Then we talked about medication (lol probably the most natural thing to talk about after the circus stripper midget conversation as apparently we both need it…)
Then we talked about therapists.
Then I had to go into work.

So.... I ask, who wants to call and chat with me anytime soon?

Colored Lighters

This blog was made for random ramblings... and well, here is a post filled with them. Just things going through my mind lately.

One of them - colored lighters.
Why exactly do they make lighters colored?
Why do they waste the time and the money making plastic film to cover white lighters?
What is the point in this?
It made me think - there are so many stupid things people do to the "little things in life"... and for what? The more I think about it, the more I realize that by improving all these little things in life, we are taking away joy from the bigger things in life - the things that should bring us joy.
But then again - it's the little things in life that make life here in the grand old US of A exciting, and we are (or once were) a nation that had the capabilities and resources and intelligence to improve or glamorize those little things.
But then again, we are such a damn visually stimulated and gratified nation, that things like a drawing your kid made, a sunset in your backyard, the labor, love and smell of a home cooked meal are all just mundane, just the norm. But, a glitzy, colored lighter, big plastic boobs, a cell phone that saves and plays music and accesses the internet is what really makes life worth living.
Just kinda pisses me off.

I am pissed off about my taste buds too.
I am not much of a "brown bag" lunch eater. If I have to slave away at work all day long, I'd like some exciting meal at 12 to break up my day.
But, I can't deny I am dirt poor right now. So, I have stocked up on canned soups, crackers, oatmeal and other cheap, filling meals to take to work.
So I am actually ending up eating more that I usually would eat, and probably better than usual and actually really filling up during the day at work. But, am I satisfied? Hell no.
Soup???? I mean, uck.
Stupid little taste buds. Kinda like colored lighters - I just had a hearty bowl of chicken and sausage gumbo, crackers and half a can of black olives and am TOTALLY unsatisfied.
Stupid, fat taste buds.

I just noticed, there is a scheduled outage on this website at 4:00pm. Just FYI.

Bailee had an "awwww" moment last night.... I told her to go get ready for bed and I'd be up in a second. No problem usually, she does as told and is really good about it. Well I came upstairs last night and see her on her bed all teary-eyed. Figured she was pissed about going to bed (we are slowly going to bed earlier and earlier to prepare for the 8:30pm bedtimes that will go into effect when she goes to school this year....) and I ask her what's wrong. She tried REALLY hard to choke back the tears and then busts out crying.
Apparently - the little boy on the TV lost his puppy.
And she was DEVASTATED.
So we hugged, I smiled, she bawled, I explained how those things can happen. It was a true "awwwww" moment that I loved.

So I got my results from the sleep study. I probably have to go back for another one. I don't have apnea (yeah!) but I do have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome, which is why I moo.
Just have to change the way I sleep - must sleep on my stomach, as I usually do. Should get a mouth guard and sleep with those sleep right nose strips, and yeah - lose some weight. That's a given. But, I have to go back to see how sleepy I am during the day. Which means I have to go do a study that is conducted during the day where I have to take 20 minute naps in 2 hour intervals. They turn off all lights, TV, everything and I have to make myself take a nap. Test to see how quickly I fall asleep, how sleepy I am during the day, how easily I fall asleep and all that. They provide lunch and TV an internet so I am STOKED to be in my jammies all day and be forced to take naps. I mean how AWESOME! lol
So, no machine at night, but hopefully some simple modifications to how I sleep and my weight will help with the moo-ing. Otherwise, adenoids might have to come out or even explore my throat and see if surgery is needed. But, I doubt it'll happen - I just have VERY small nostrils and nasal passages and will probably moo the rest of my life. It's cool. Like I said, great sex deterrent! lol.

Back to my pshyco fears...
I REALLY want to take Bailee to Ski Roundtop to go sledding. I REALLY want to go sledding myself.
I am having panic attacks about it. Fo' real. Like afraid I will just tumble all the way down the hill and break my neck. So I am hoping I can find a way to go and have to stay with Bailee, lol. Hopefully the Prozac will kick in before then.

Speaking of Bailee - I am already planning her 5th birthday party! I usually start planning things months in advance and then rush at the very end to get it done.
I am throwing her a Circus themed party!!! My moms boyfriend has a literal Circus tent that he had put up this summer and threw two AWESOME parties under. One was a Cajun Party complete with Cajun inspired food, a BBQ smoker, a few kegs, a live DJ, a fire pit and about 50 people. It was incredible! Then a Halloween party and we decorated the tent and it was just awesome.
So, I have begged to throw Bailee a party under the big top! And of course, since Mike is one of the greatest guys around, he obliged and we are getting all excited for it! I am going to have typical carnival type games, a clown, popcorn, hot dogs and cotton candy, a PONY (or maybe some goats from my friend Jennifer's farm and make a little petting zoo) and face painting. I am SO excited!!!!!!! I want to really go all out since it'll be just a few weeks before she leaves her daycare in MD of 5 years and all her friends and moves on to WVA schools and neighborhood friends. It's going to be very sad and hard for us all when she leaves daycare and her friends there, because they are like family, and because it is very expensive to travel to MD - really to travel anywhere, so her time with them will be spuratic - as much as I can afford. It just really breaks my heart - so I want a full on celebration for her.
So, be on the lookout for your invitation this spring!

Well.... that is it for now. You all feelin me on any of this?!?!?!

OMG....

Did I just say "feelin me"??????

ugh.

200 times?

So Sunday evening I had my sleep study.

*Before I continue, I just want you to know this blog won't be entirely about my trips to doctors - it's just the beginning of the new year and health is at the top of my resolution list and the thing consuming most of my thoughts....

Anyways, I had my sleep study. I went first to go visit my brother in the hospital, hoping seeing him in miserable sleeping conditions would make me feel like I was on vacation (I know, that really sounds horrible considering the pain he was in and the actual miserable sleeping conditions) - I hate Shady Grove Hospital, I just despise it. I love Hospitals, but hate Shady Grove. The people are so rude, the rooms so suffocating, just yuck.

So, when I left Shady Grove, I went on to my study and was met by a very weird lady. Very pleasant and comforting, but weird. I guess you become a little starved for conversation when your job is staying up all hours of the night watching other people sleep.....

But, she got me to my room, got me all wired up and it was actually great! The room was huge, the bed sooooooooooooo comfortable and all the amenities of a hotel room. And I got to watch the Grammys so it was nice.

I actually was able to doze off fairly quickly and 5:00 am came all too soon.

So she goes on to tell me that I woke myself up making my weird noises about 200 times that night!!!! OR that my brain woke up 200 times that night and led to me making noises, the doctor is going to have to review the results to determine what came first. But, all in all I slept about an hour and a half in the 7 hours I was "asleep" - no WONDER 5 alarm clocks will not wake me up. I am EXHAUSTED!!!!!
I only remember waking myself up maybe twice that night, so I really am surprised and how often I woke up and how little sleep I am actually getting, when I feel as though I am asleep all night and sleep like a rock. It's just very interesting to me, and now I want to watch the video of me sleeping.

So, I should know tomorrow the final results of the test and if I have to go back to try sleeping with the apnea machine if this is a case of apnea. I don't want the machine/mask thing, but we'll see.

As for the rest of my life.... I HATE having a DOG. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Billy always finds his way into my blogs....

if you think of it, say a prayer for my bro.

he has an abscess in his tooth that has now spread to his blood and there is the chance it could spread to his heart, but we are thinking they have it under control.

well, if you think of it, keep him in your prayers. thank ya!

New Years Resolutions? One down.... trillions more to go....

So this year I made some resolutions.

And this year, I intend on meeting all of my goals.

One year I made a resolution to lose weight, and I did it.... big time. Lost 80 lbs in 7 months.
If I could have at one time in my life met the biggest resolution for myself and many Americans, then I know I can meet the ones I created this year... and yes.... losing 80 lbs is on there again.

Resolution #1: Take charge of my health - DONE!!

Hubby and I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave in and took the day off with me so we could both go at the same time and support each other, and make sure neither one of us were leaving anything out.
My session with the doc was GREAT! Everything I wanted, actually. I went in that office determined to have every question answered, and need met. And I got that. INCREDIBLE!
The only time I have ever had a doctor meet my every need was when they yanked Bailee from my uterus.

And, as a result of yesterdays wonderful visit, I am scheduled for a sleep study this Sunday.
This all stems from my moo-ing problem.

Apparently.... when I sleep..... I moo. Yes..... like a cow. And no.... it's not cuz I am fat (well, I hope not at least... lol)

Moo, moan, groan - I do it all. Apparently it also sounds like I am having a very x-rated dream.... and that is VERY embarrassing especially since it happens almost every time I exhale..... greaaaat.
And on top of the animal noises, I just don't feel like I have the best quality of sleep and it is literally impossible to wake me up at anytime before 9:30 am. Impossible. So I am really excited to do the sleep study - very nervous for the noises that will go with it and not to thrilled with the fact that it could be apnea and I could have to wear that weird mask thing that makes you breathe through your nose, because I am soooo not all about that. But, if it gets me to sleep and gets me to wake up.... I'll wear it. It also might be a great sex deterrent for my husband, which would be AWESOME!!!! Who wants to have sex with a big old plastic oxygen mask that moo's?

Finally, I got my script for Prozac and a referral to a great doctor in Frederick to manage my PCOS. Now, while I was hoping for an anti-depressant/anxiety med, I am kind of torn about it.
I am really trying to focus on my religion and relationship with God, and feel that my "depression" and anxiety should be and could be cured through Him. However, I can not stop the thoughts that go through my head. I can talk myself down from them - like rationalize with myself that no, I won't get eaten by a bear, no, Bailee won't fall out of her window, no, I probably won't die in my sleep tonight - but even though I can pray about them and get over them - THEY WON'T GO AWAY.
So, is it wrong that I get on meds???
Is that lunatic Tom Cruise onto something in that we don't need these meds docs are so easy to dish out - that we can control it... that GOD can control it? Am I sinning by doing this? I know I NEEDED these pills with my Post Partum Depression, but do I NEED them now? Do I NEED them for the rest of my life since I have a tendency to fluctuate?
And here we go - another anxiety attack because now I am afraid I am sinning and going to hell all because I want to chemically balance myself and STOP thinking like this.

And this is exactly what keeps me up at night.
And probably why subconsciously I want to be a fat old cow living my days out in a green pasture in Wisconsin and that being the reason I moo at night.

So all in all, I am pleased to say that I have checked one item off my resolution list. I am going to see my PCOS doc and get tons of blood work done to figure out all of my levels and figure out why I gained so much weight and what I need to do to level myself out which will in turn lead me to meeting my other resolution of losing weight and it'll be a wonderful domino effect from there.... I know it.